It should go without saying -- and this isn't the first time I've talked about these issues -- that the Church can hurt you. Sometimes badly. I've witnessed it, my friends have witnessed it, and it has harmed us all in various ways that we are still sorting out to this day.
In nearly every instance where we've had conflict in the Church, someone's personal preference was more at issue than whatever "the thing" was that caused the conflict. Specifically, I am reminded of a former priest who wanted everything his way. Even where he was actively harming people with his insistence and self-will, and even when he was undermining his own bishop (who, obviously, was also our bishop back then), the fact that he wanted something was good enough reason to do it, and people who were in the way were treated as expendable. This behavior included dishonesty, active manipulation, and gaslighting. It included abuse involving reception into the Church and abuse in the confessional. It involved the priest actually instructing people to lie to others about what he was doing and what they had done. It was really, really bad, and it went unchecked for far too long, mostly because this priest was willing to deceive his flock, his bishop, and his hierarchs and they naively took his word for it. I do not say this lightly. I'm not going to name names, but rest assured, we have the receipts in abundance.
What brings this to mind is I have recently become aware of more damage left in the wake of the very same situation we dealt with, continuing to this very day. To put this in perspective, we left nearly four years ago, we wrote the bishop very shortly after that, and about a year later, the Metropolitan of that Archdiocese was informed of all of the issues by someone else. These things did not happen yesterday, but they continued long after we left and are still hurting people today. So I am reminded again of how the Church's failure to address real issues leaves good people floundering and wondering if the Church is for them.
Part of the problem in these rare instances is that, in the Orthodox Church, we are patient, kind, and long-suffering, and we expect others to be as well. It puts us at a distinct disadvantage when someone instead is actively and intentionally manipulative, because they prey on the Church's weakness, take advantage of her kindness, and demand absolution from those they have harmed without any real repentance taking place. This sort of deception can irreparably harm souls. The Church's long-suffering and kindness become a shield for the wrongdoer and a sword for those being wronged. It feels like "forgive me, a sinner," but delivered with a smirk and crossed fingers.
I do want to be clear -- we have moved on, and I do not write any of this out of anger. We have a good priest and a good parish and we are well cared for. Mostly, I write out of sadness at the fact that four years later, people are still being hurt. And I don't have sufficient answers. I wish I did. Part of the problem is there just aren't that many truly deceptive priests, so this is not a common problem. But the other issue is, the Church takes a very honest view of suffering. We are to bear suffering, mistreatment, and criticism with grace. Ordinarily, this is a good thing, but the Church dare not sanction the cause of suffering, and dare not shield those who harm others within the Church. Spiritual deception and abuse are at least as bad as physical abuse, and the Church cannot afford to tolerate them.
Of course, the Church cannot simply defrock priests and sanction bishops who either cause or ignore suffering, without first attempting to ensure that the priest and/or bishop actually did something wrong. Abusers in the ranks of the laity are as much a danger to good priests as abusive priests are to good laypeople. I have seen, in my Protestant days, good pastors run off by manipulative and abusive laypeople. So we can't simply swing the pendulum all the way to the other side. That's just keeping the abuse, but changing the identity of the abuser. In our situation, "attempting to ensure that the priest and/or bishop actually did something wrong" might have entailed actually speaking to those of us who alerted the Archdiocese. Still, I understand the Church cannot act on the bare word of anyone, clergy or laity, without attempting to sort out the facts.
All that said, the real problem strikes me as a communication problem. The Church reaching out to those who have been hurt, helping them process what happened, and attempting to reconcile the parties, could go a long way. Apparently, that was something that particular Archdiocese did not desire to do in our case, for whatever reason. I pray she begins to see the need for such a process. Indifference is cold. In many ways, it is worse than the abuse itself.
Sometimes just hearing "I hear you, I see you, and I'm sorry that happened to you -- we will try to do better" is enough. I hope somebody is saying that to those who were hurt more recently than we were. If you know someone who is hurting in the present, please give them an ear, a shoulder, and some compassion. And encourage your clergy and hierarchs to do the same. They need it.








